Do you ever recognize the exact moment that the sadness washes over you? Well, my husband and I were out for a walk, with the two youngest, tonight and I was talking about all of the "old times" type things that I miss. I said I miss the old school building that has since been torn down. As we walked up to the old school playground, I could remember running for track practice, around that block. It really put me on the spot and took me right back to that time.
I instantly found myself sharing my feelings with my husband. He agreed that he missed the school and the coach who coached us in track. As we walked a little farther, I said I missed some other things from that time frame, probably because life was so much simpler then. He agreed with that too. He said something about wishing the kids would realize that life is so simple, when you are a kid.
Less than a block from home, I said that I had my mom then too. Why does she have to be gone? Why can't she still be here? It hit me and, at that very moment, I suddenly felt a wave of sadness so deep that I am not sure I can shake it. I just feel sad and lonely. I feel like I am missing something. To be clear, I am not slumped over in a pile of indifference, I am merely trapped in the middle of a feeling that I can not release. I miss her very much. My brain has a hard time believing it sometimes. I believe it today. I wish I could shut my brain off and pretend it was not so, but alas, it is.
I am sad.
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- Momma B
- I am 30 some years old. I have 1 step, 4 bio, and 2 adopted kids, so I am no stranger to chaos! They range in age from 18 months to 16 years, so it is always interesting! I have been staying at home for 2 years, because I could not afford gas and day care both! Recession, who says there is a recession? The American people have it great, right? Anyway, my husband supported the idea of me being home, so that is just the way it is for now. Sadly, right after I quit last year my mom got sick again and we lost her in Sept., so my being home was really helpful to her and me if I really stop to think about it! I guess that is enough of my crazed babbling for this section!
5 comments:
Heartbreaking post... I hope that you have been able to focus on some very happy memories and are able, today, to remember with a smile.
and the trouble is that this side of heaven, there is no solution. I'm sorry, sweetie. (((hugs)))
I'm sorry sweetheart. Hugs to you.
xoxo
There are some losses that never get better. I have those kinds of moments/days/weeks too. Living in one now. (((hugs)))
I'm still waiting for the breakdown a month after you posted this. I have been subtly missing her, rawly missing her on the inside, and yet my body is proceding very slowly this time around on the old sad cycle. I don't understand it. Again, I revert back to your poem a few posts later and wonder if it isn't something deeper. Something along the lines of Mom, Uncle, Uncle, Your Aunt, and wondering when and who will be next and how bad it will hurt...I wish I didn't feel that way, but I feel almost as though death is callousing my heart sometimes. I hope it clears soon.
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