Life

Life is really getting overwhelming. I am not interested in much of anything, but I feel like I need something. No, I am not really depressed. I would tell you if I was. TRUST ME! I am stressed out though! I feel like I am getting lost in everything that is going on. I feel like I don't matter much and that is driving me nuts! I hate winter and I know it is coming...could be part of the problem. I love fall though, so I am trying not to let my dislike for the cold and short daylight hours eat up all that I love about fall! It isn't that easy though. I kinda feel like I am losing it, which is just awesome! I feel lonely. I miss my mom. I think all of these dumb hormones are pushing me closer to the edge! UGH! Like I need help getting to the edge! REALLY!?

Also, I have a brother in prison. I miss him. He is 5 hours south of me. I NEVER get to see him. We have a million kids and it is not easy to just up and leave for 12 hours, in one day. And, overnight is even less of an option. I wouldn't really want to be gone over night unless the kids could come with us anyway! Although, a St. Louis trip with just my husband and I would probably be priceless! Anyway, back to the brother...ready to choke him ! I write him. I am probably the only person who does, without fail, yet he is not writing back. I would love to know what makes him think I will take some excuse about how busy he is, as a reason why he can't write me back, when I have all these kids, in all these sports, with all the laundry, meals, showers, fingernail clipping, hair brushing, teeth brushing crap that goes with them...I am not listening to any crap about how busy he, or anyone else is! I KNOW what busy is! One letter a month would NOT be asking too much! REALLY!

And, I go to the dr. today. The dr. is in a nearby city. The city is where the mother of our two adopted kids lives. I don't want to run into her. I don't want reasons to have to avoid her. I just want to keep my distance. That will be rather tough to do, since she lives there and in an uptown apartment just down the block. This makes me kind of sick. I just want her to stay away. I want the kids to have a shot at growing up, without drama. Extra drama anyway! Our house has plenty of drama...KIDS, not me, of course! ha!

Sorry for venting. I can't keep all the dumb stuff tucked in any longer though. It is not my style. I should be writing, but the indifferent feelings have been keeping me from doing a lot of the me things that I do. I did, however, just write him a letter...my brother, so he knows I am tired of being pushed off. Don't worry, that was only in the first paragraph. I wrote nice "stuff" after that.

Thanks for listening.

Jamie