Childhood Memories!

The other night when Meeeeema puked all over my bed, I had to search the world over for a sheet and pillow cases to outfit my bed with. The beautiful thing about that is we don't have extras of our sheets. Well, we do, but when we got our new bed set, my dear husband decided to throw the old set up in the attic! Great, right!?! Anyway, I came across some kid's sheets that my mom had given me a long time ago and in the mix was my pillow case from when I was a little girl.

I can not begin to describe the flood emotions that came with that old pillow case. I immediately found myself trying to fight back tears. I was unable to win that battle! Ponch, who happened to come in on my meltdown, asked why I was crying. I told her that I was really sad, because this simple pillow case meant so much more to me than she could understand. It was a time when my mom was not sick. She was alive and well and the meanest mom alive, of course! A title which I proudly hold today!

I miss my mom terribly! When you are a little girl, you never think about your mom dying, although, my kids do, because of my mom's death. I feel like they have been cheated of their innocense in that respect! It makes me sad! Some days, everything makes me sad! Not freak out and lose it sad, for the most part, but just plain sad!

And, when we left the "freshly" made bed, with sheets that had not been washed in atleast 18 months, since mom has been gone for more than a year and gave them to me while in good enough health to do so, Ponch looked up at me with her arms around my waist and asked me if she could have my pillow case when I die!

She gets it!

She really gets what that pillow case means to me and wants to have it in her life after I die.

I told her, "sure," of course!

The damned thing is 25 or so years old now and I plan on staying around 'til God decides otherwise, so why shouldn't she have it! IT WILL LAST THAT LONG!

I'll Be Damned If I Am Not Sad Again!

The question that was asked by my son, Z, and relayed to me by another parent, is this, "Why are so many people dying right now?" I am devastated! I don't know how to answer this. I dont' want to convey the wrong message. I do not spend my days curled up in a ball. I am just hurt by not being more able to help with his pain. So, I do the best I can by offering a little time alone. I go to my room a little early every so often and most of the time he follows me to bed. We talk about things. I try to listen without talking too much--very difficult for me, as you all well know. I want him not to be afraid. I am a little too afraid of many different things. I want him to feel secure. I tell myself fear is an emotion that parents display, because they want to keep their children safe. I know my fear is probably more than that. It comes from too much death and wondering when and where it might strike again. I am sad. Very sad.

This morning, before we could do much of anything, my husband, who is on his way to work, hollars back in the door that their is an ambulance at the 95, almost 96, year old neighbors house. She maybe be old, by year, but she is cool as hell! Yes, I know, I don't say things like that, but if you knew her...

At any rate, Z promptly put his coat and shoes on and went to the side of the house closest to the neighbors house and waited. He watched. He was intent on knowing whether she was or was not ok before he could move. Move at all. I did not know what to do, so I waited as well. I watched from time to time until I saw the stretcher come out with her in it and alive. I know that sounds crass, but the lights and whistles never did sound, as far as the amublance is concerned, so I was worried. My son brought that to my attention. I was in the kitchen telling the other kids that Mrs. F. has lived a long life and she is ready to go when God calls her, so to speak. I mean, noone wants to die, but noone really wants to start outliving their children either. The mere thought is upseting to me. I would miss her greatly, but she has had a long, wonderful life! She is a very interesting lady and I can talk to her as I talk to any of you! I would sorely miss that. Still, I am ok with her passing when the time comes.

I am getting off track, but what is new about this? NOTHING, I say! Anyway, I am worried about my son, so I call the school and talk to the counselor. She makes me feel a little better. I tell her his question to another mother and she says there will be pastors and/or priests available to all of the p.e. classes today, so that they can help with the grief and loss of the two girls who died this week and just to field questions that might arise. I asked her to prompt someone to bring up the particular question, so he and his friend, who happened to have the same question, will know that they are not alone and may even find some comfort in an answer, that I am unable to provide.

Sorry for the jumble of stress, but this is an extension of my being and by default it encompasses all of my crazy!

Scary, huh?