Monday, September 29, 2008

Kids For Sale!

Kids for sale! Kids for sale!

I got a whole bunch of damned rotten kids for sale!

I'm tired of hearin' 'em argue!

I'm tired of hearin' 'em fight!

I'm also tired of 'em not sleepin' at night!

I'm tired of 'em peein' on the floor!

I'm tired of 'em hittin' each other!

I'm tired of 'em whinin' nonstop!

I'm just plain tired, so that leads me back to...

Kids for sale! Kids for sale!

I got some damned old rotten kids for sale!

I don't suppose there are any takers today???

I could really use a break!

Atleast yell at me and let me know you are all having a great day!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One Smart Cookie!

So, today I decided to put the baby in the high chair, so I could attempt to eat at the same time that I fed her some cereal with apples in it. It sounded like a good idea at the time and then the 2 year old, Boog, woke up. I figure I can solve this problem by putting the removable part of the tray on the little table that our 2 five year olds eat at. I filled it with Froot Loops (somehow my mind cannot comprehend spelling fruit with 2 OO's in it!) and her vitamin and vitamin C and a cup of milk.

All should have been well, right? I sure thought so! My little Meeeeema and I started eating and so did Boog. Meeeeema and I finished and cleaned up. We, sadly, came to check out the computer scene, as Meeeeema was drifting off, rather fitfully I might add, to sleep. Anyway, I can easily see the table from where I sit, so I do not feel like I have anything to worry about. Until, my sweet 2 year old starts in with the occasional trip into the living room to tell me something or show me something. Of course, I started out be asking her if she was done eating, because our next step was to be the bath tub. She told me no and I told her she had better go sit down and eat. This, of course, never goes well! You just plain don't expect a 2 year old to listen, let alone follow directions. It is like setting yourself up for failure intentionally!

Anyway, the last time she came out of the kitchen, she told me she was all done. I asked her if she was really all done. Yippee, we can finally move on to phase 2 and it only took an hour to eat a cup of Froot Loops!!!! Nice try! No such luck! She looked me straight in the face and told me she was done eating her "poo oops" because a fly was in there eating them! Only in my world! She even insisted that I come and "wook" at the "buh" eating her "poo oops!"

You know, when she is driving me the most crazy it seems like she always pops up with something absolutely hilarious, or mindblowing at the very least, so I can not hold my frustration with her. That all goes back to my believing she is one smart cookie!

Monday, September 22, 2008

I know, I know, more poop!?!?!

Well, yesterday happened to be a very enlightening day, somehow...

My family had church, a birthday party and a cookout to attend. Eventhough that sounds like a lot of plans for one day, we were planning on tackling all of it, until the baby decided that she was going to function in "I hate getting teeth mode" all damned day long! So, we went to church and scratched the rest! Well, not all true, because most of the kids went to the birthday party, but, well, anyway, you get the point!

Later that afternoon...

"Poop! Poop!" I am frantic, because I just found poop in my recycling bins! "Hell no, that's not paper!" I was so grossed out and mad all at the same time. So, what do I do but sacrifice an empty paperboard box to pick the poop up with and throw them both away!

2 hours later...

"Poop! Poop! What the hell is going on around here? Who does this? HOW does poop get into the recycling cans??? Who mistakes poop for plastic???" Yep, you got it! The 2 year old! It must have been the 2 year old!!!

The confrontation...

Later in the evening, I decide that we should team up and ask our 2 year old if she took poop out of her diaper. She ought to have just enough rope to eat me alive, given our track record!

"Boog, did you take poop out of your diaper?"

"No," she says. Yep, DUH?! Of course she said no! You all know how often she says yes!

At this point, I am guessing she will give me some elaborate story, in 5 words or less, about how Bake took the poop out of her diaper!

"You didn't take poop out of your diaper?"

"No," she says again.

Here is where the team work comes into play. Dad starts asking the ?'s and the answers start to come around.

"Booooog, did you put poop into the recycling bins?," he says.

"yes," she says as though she would rather disappear than answer the question at hand!

"You did?," he says in horror. You know she has been touching the entire house and everyone in it all damned day long and I found the poop a LONG TIME AGO!

"yes," she replies again.

"Boog, you never ever take poop out of your diaper! You have to get your diaper changed when there is poop in it! And, for the record, you don't ever try to change your own diaper!!! Mommy will change you when you poop!!!," I say with as much authority as I can muster, while I really try to recount all of the times she has touched me with poop hands!

"I not do it gin mommy," she says with her cute little please don't put me in the recycling bin face!

All this, because we have been telling her not to poop in her pants! So, an intelligent 2 year old says, "I can take care of this problem. I will just take the poop out of my pants before you know it is there! Problem solved! See mom, that was not so hard, now was it!?!"

If only someone had taken me up on the kid give away sweepstakes I was trying to put together last week!!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Baby gets me through a bad, sad day! And, a thank you to those who matter most!

Man, I really miss you mom! It's been a whole year!

Man, I really miss you mom! Just wish you were here!

Make myself a cup of chai, sit down in the 'puter chair.

All at once my little one is awake and aware!

It's ok Macy May, I say into her ear.

Momma will feed you in a bit you sweet little dear.

Once she's fed, she must burp! And what a burp it was!!!

I said, jeez, sounds like you'll puke. Suddenly there it was!

All at once, I felt warm milk slipping down my chest!

In another moment's pass, it ran down my back!

Well, Macy May, I thought we were going to have a sad day,

But you seemed to have had your say!

I guess, mom, you are still here!

I can hear your laughter in my ears!!!

Yes, girls, yesterday was the day. September 19, 2008 was the one year anniversary of the death of my BELOVED mother!

She was only 46, much too young to die.

God had other plans for her and all of us must rely

On the strength that she instilled in us to make it through the years!

Without her all we have is memories and tears!

She was very strong and MEAN, but what else would one expect

From the one who solely raised five kids?!? She was a lunatic!

I miss my mom so dearly, but never would I ask,

For her to come back to me in the shape that she was!

My family has been blessed with a wonderful, strong, helpful, willing and just plain crazy bunch of women who do their best to uphold the things that my mother would have wished for! They help keep us on the path, even if they don't tread that path themselves! They look out for all the things that she would have just KNOWN were going to happen and promptly say I told you so, as mom probably instructed them to do! They all are dear to me and I thank each and every one for being in my life!

Damn, I can't believe I am about to compromise my anonymity and sign this, but it is for the best, I guess!

I love you all!


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Oscar Winning Performance!

Boog, again, is my 2 year old daughter! She is extremely intelligent, but still a 2 year old at heart!

The Oscar Winning Conversation went as follows:

Boog, who pooped?

I oh know!

Boog, who pooped?

Not me!

Boog, who pooped? Who pooped their pants?

I oh know!

Did you poop your pants?


Well, who did?

Bake (Blake) did!

Wait a minute! Blake pooped his pants, or Blake pooped your pants?

Bake pooped my pants!

Now, I am just about to bust, so I must end this conversation quickly!!! It is time to exit stage right, for sure! One last attempt at making sense of all of this... So, Boog, who pooped their pants?

I oh know!

Enough already! I give in! I don't care who did it and I am really uncertain, at this point, as to which one of us is a complete and utter lunatic! So, I recognize failure, yet again, and ready myself for YET ANOTHER big kid poopy diaper, which I might add is going to make the paint peel if I don't get off of here and get to changing it!

Paci, oh paci!

This little diddy is intended to be hummed to the tune from Frère Jacques. Do you rememer than one? (Damn, I had to search online just to figure out exactly how it was to be spelled!)

We lost paci, We lost paci,

What are we gonna do, What are we gonna do,

Poke my f 'ing eyes out, Poke my f 'ing eyes out,

How about you, How about you???

This has been a joyous morning, no doubt! I wake to the squeals of my adorable 8 month old who is pulling my hair and putting her fingers in my mouth and then trying to separate my jaw! I looooove it! So, at 6:20, rather than 6:45, I grouchily crawl out of bed and take said baby to her dad, who has for whatever reason decided not to go in to work until 7 (whatever reason happens to be that the Cowboys played Monday night football last night and he did not go to bed until after 11, which means NEITHER DID I!!!). Anyway, I gather things for my shower and hers, while my 2 year old sleeps peacefully, right? Oh ok, whatever! She did not go to bed 'til after 11 either and now thinks it is happy fun time! Like HELL, little lady! Go to S L E E P, I say and quickly exit the room as she starts to blubber!

I can make this early morning shit work, if I can just get my Chai tea made and sit in the chair for 2 seconds to enjoy it. Strategy almost complete, until it happens! Meeeeema starts to flip out, because, as she sees it, I am taking precious lap time from her by sitting alone! So, I pick her up and much to my chagrin see that we are missing a crucial piece of my sanity! PACI!!! Paci, oh paci, where for art thou, Paci? I can simply not go on without out you dear Paci! What have I done so wrong to deserve even an hour without you? Never mind the baby who reluctantly enjoys the supple silicone that you posess! I enjoy every minute knowing that you are available, because I know it is you and only you who will gain me 5 minutes of peace! Oh, I will never quite be the same, if I can not find you, my dearest Paci!

Well, the bullshit did not work, because I was not able to coax that damned pacifier out of wherever it has been hiding! Not that I blame it! The kid has a tooth now and I have been talking her into sharpening it on the paci and not me! So, for now, my search has ended! I don't know where or when we will pick up! Probably somewhere just after the next crying jag or fit throwing episode! For now, I am contented to rock her in the computer chair and hope for the best!

Good day!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Interesting Conversation!


Momma B, 2 year old, whom I will call Boog, and 8 month old, whom I will call Meeeeema, are all in the kitchen, where Momma B is doing yet another horrific sized load of dishes by hand, yes there are still people who do not have a dishwasher roaming the earth in 2008! Anyway, Boog is eating, while she sits, not so thankfully, in the high chair and Meeeeema is in the walker.

The interesting conversation starts out innocently enough...

"Hey Meeeeema, are you mommy's sweetest sweetheart???," when suddenly I feel the prying eyes of 2 year old Boog melting my flesh, so I muster up a "Gee, Boog, are you mommy's big girl?"

Heaven help us, the child that never says "yes" answered me curtly with a "Yes, I mommy's big dorl!"

Oh ok, we are playing nice today! Yippee for mommy! Lets try some more positive affirmations. I am on a roll and I am searching for answers to many of life's important ?s, because she might be the only person in the world who will tell me what I want to hear!

"Do you love mommy?," I ask.

"Yes, I wuv mommy?," she says.

"Do you love Meeeeema?," I ask.

"Yes, I wuv Meeeeema?," she says.

Jack pot! Now I am going in for the kill!

"Are you going to go pee on the potty?," I ask.

"No mom," she says, again rather curtly, bursting my bubble FOREVER!!!!

Oh well, there is always tomorrow, right? Damn, I hope so! My sanity is wearing thin and my patience for changing big kid poop is even more so!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I need to know...

Why, oh why, must I be embarassed that one of the neighbors might be outside with their dog, picking weeds, or an innocent traveler might be driving by in the morning when I am trying to wake my kids up??? I swear that it must sound like the tornado whistle to those who are not familiar with my whining and screaming tactic!!! I am already sick to death of trying to wake them up in the morning! Every time I have to "freak out" to get someone out of bed, I start to threaten an even earlier bed time the next night and that very night I am still trying get said offender to go to sleep at almost 10p.m.!!!

The brings up the important question...

Anyone want some kids???

I have all shapes, sizes, and ages, in both genders!

Any takers???


Ok, fine, I guess I'll keep 'em all!

Thanks for your help!?!?!?!

Sunday, September 7, 2008


"3, 2, 1


And, we have lift off!!!! (applause roars from the crowd!!!)

Ok, I think we did it! Her head finally exploded, launching her brain miles from the Earth's atmosphere!

Now what?

Now, we can do whatever we want to!!!


Ever feel like this is what your kids are thinking when you take them to:

Church, your job, the store, and God, himself, forbid, THE MALL!?!?!?!?!

Just checking!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

eeeeeewwwy baby eeeeeeeewwy!

Well, I don't exactly know how to explain it, but it is 8:09 a.m. and it has already been the day from hell! I slept little last night because my lovely, sweet, precious and let's not leave out totally able to produce poop 8 month old would not allow me to! I should have seen it coming too, because the last time she was so restless I found myself cleaning up a poop explosion in the middle of the night.

Is the picture coming clearer now?

My alarm went off at 6:45. I very unreadily popped up wishing that my lack of sleep induced hangover feeling would subside. By the time I reached my dresser, which is just on the other side of my bed, I was praying that my head would explode already!!! Anyway, as I stood there picking out my clothes for the day and muttering sweet nothings, such as "shut uuuuuup" and "go back to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep" to my 8 month old, my husband suddenly snuck through the bedroom door. "Great," I say! "You are here and I am going back to bed! And don't tell me you have to be somewhere, because if you really had to hurry you'd have been gone already!" He looked dejected and shrugged his shoulders, but did not argue and simply sulked away. Fine by me! I don't care if he is mad!!! My rude ass just wants to be asleep!

9 minutes later! 9 whole minutes later she is raising so much cain that I have no choice but to get up! Gee, could I??? I have not had one night since she has been born when I drank more than 2 (alcohol) drinks, yet I have been waking up with that hangover feeling for most of the last 8 months, so why wouldn't I want to get up now!?!?!?!?!?!?

I accept defeat and get up!

I put the baby in the walker and walk away, while she begins her wailing routine.

About 5 minutes later I begin to feel bad, because I figure out that a belly ache is the whole reason for all of the crap she put me through all night long. I only felt bad for a minute though, because I happened to look down, as I pulled her out of the walker to change her diaper and what I saw would change my life FOREVER!

My child had literally pooped her guts out!

Poop in an 8 inch square on the floor!

Poop on her leg!

Poop on her foot!

Poop on the wheels of her walker!

And, poop on my hands before it was all over with!

About 9348039804958 wipes and a few bleach wipes later, my life is clean as a whistle again, right? Nope, she pooped again as soon as I cleaned up all the mess from the first time! No kidding! Although, this time I did not have to declare a state of emergency, thank GOD!