Thursday, October 21, 2010


I have a problem....

I don't know what to do about it...

It is kind of driving me crazy...

Wanna know what it is???
I am hungry ALL THE TIME!!!

I hope you are all doing well! I appreciate you listening to my lunacy! I would write even if no one was listening, but having a little input helps!



Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Unusual gloom and doom, or hormones running rampant? Who knows, but it is driving me nuts and upon the advice of a friend, I am going to try the out let of blogging more. I am sure it will help, but sometimes I don't feel like trying to explain things, because if you were to look inside my brain...jumbled mess!


Yesterday was my first REAL OB appointment, which means I had all the creep stuff checked! Looooove it! UGH! Beyond that, I like my new dr., whom I have only met once before. She is really NORMAL, so you don't feel like you are under a microscope, but she is also INTELLIGENT, so you end up feeling like you will be taken care of. Some drs. are too much for me.

Moving on...

She asked about concerns and as odd as it sounds, I was only concerned that this being my 5th actual pregnancy, I thought I would be bigger. I don't mean my fat places should be actual lower abdomen should be bigger. I am still wearing regular clothes, which has NEVER happened past 10 weeks. I rationalize that jeans are cut lower than they used to be, mine are anyway. I rationalize that I don't eat red meat, or milk with hormones any more, which could have something to do with it, but I only made it to 10 weeks with my first...the 5th...

She checked for a uterus measurement and could not find one. She checked for a heartbeat and could not find one. She and I talked briefly and then she decided that I should have a sonogram...right now! I didn't panic externally. I did a little inside. It made me very sad and sick to think about carrying around someone who had ceased to exist, somewhere along the lines.

I had to drink a TON of water, or so it seemed! I had to be registered for the sonogram. And, then, I had to wait, until the lady was ready for me. A short wait feels like a long wait, sometimes. A few minutes later a familiar face walked in to get me! She was the lady who did my sonograms with my last child. Her husband is actually one of my son's football coaches! That made me feel a little better.

The X-Ray tech got me all set up and got started on the baby looking. She asked what I was doing there and I told her that the dr. checking to be sure it was still alive, pretty much. She confirmed. She started giggling! I didn't say much. She flipped the screen my way and I was able to see this little baby hopping all over the place! He/she was/is very much alive and all hopped up on something! Jeez!

I started to cry! I hate feeling like I have been slammed into saying I want something that I, for all possible reasons did not want. I feel like God slaps me around sometimes! Like he says, "do you, or don't you?" and I am forced to claim ownership of something I did not intend to own. Amazing!

I was so relieved.

I was so drained.

I had already walked myself through everything that would happen next, if the baby had not be alive. I was completely saddened at the mere thought of all of the feelings so many women face. Some even face these feelings often. I feel for all of them. I can't imagine, although now I have.

I went to be just after 7 last night. My husband did not understand why. He seemed aggravated with me. I could not stay awake any longer. Life is overwhelming sometimes. Being pregnant, stressed, having a million kids and a serious scare just wiped the floor with me!

Thanks for listening!


Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Life is really getting overwhelming. I am not interested in much of anything, but I feel like I need something. No, I am not really depressed. I would tell you if I was. TRUST ME! I am stressed out though! I feel like I am getting lost in everything that is going on. I feel like I don't matter much and that is driving me nuts! I hate winter and I know it is coming...could be part of the problem. I love fall though, so I am trying not to let my dislike for the cold and short daylight hours eat up all that I love about fall! It isn't that easy though. I kinda feel like I am losing it, which is just awesome! I feel lonely. I miss my mom. I think all of these dumb hormones are pushing me closer to the edge! UGH! Like I need help getting to the edge! REALLY!?

Also, I have a brother in prison. I miss him. He is 5 hours south of me. I NEVER get to see him. We have a million kids and it is not easy to just up and leave for 12 hours, in one day. And, overnight is even less of an option. I wouldn't really want to be gone over night unless the kids could come with us anyway! Although, a St. Louis trip with just my husband and I would probably be priceless! Anyway, back to the brother...ready to choke him ! I write him. I am probably the only person who does, without fail, yet he is not writing back. I would love to know what makes him think I will take some excuse about how busy he is, as a reason why he can't write me back, when I have all these kids, in all these sports, with all the laundry, meals, showers, fingernail clipping, hair brushing, teeth brushing crap that goes with them...I am not listening to any crap about how busy he, or anyone else is! I KNOW what busy is! One letter a month would NOT be asking too much! REALLY!

And, I go to the dr. today. The dr. is in a nearby city. The city is where the mother of our two adopted kids lives. I don't want to run into her. I don't want reasons to have to avoid her. I just want to keep my distance. That will be rather tough to do, since she lives there and in an uptown apartment just down the block. This makes me kind of sick. I just want her to stay away. I want the kids to have a shot at growing up, without drama. Extra drama anyway! Our house has plenty of drama...KIDS, not me, of course! ha!

Sorry for venting. I can't keep all the dumb stuff tucked in any longer though. It is not my style. I should be writing, but the indifferent feelings have been keeping me from doing a lot of the me things that I do. I did, however, just write him a brother, so he knows I am tired of being pushed off. Don't worry, that was only in the first paragraph. I wrote nice "stuff" after that.

Thanks for listening.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

So, I had this dream...

So, I had this dream and woke up in a panic around 3:30 this morning. I dreamed that Bake's and Boog's mom had been sneaking into our house. (Remember, these are the two that are adopted and their mom has been in and out and now really out of the lives, over the last few years.) She was looking for something, among my papers, but I could not figure out what. All I know is that my husband and I were headed back from a dr. appt. and found pics of our youngest son, Bucko, strung all over a country road. I was baffled, but picked them up and went home to find that she had been there, sneaking through my papers. The next thing I know, she and her friends are driving through our alley and go out of their way to hit one of our cars, which was parked back there. (Dreams are odd! We don't park back there at all.) I called the police and balled them out for letting her out of jail, in the first place. (She really was just in there for 5 or 6 different charges and was not prosecuted on the one that should have blown her parole...little bitter, I guess.) They said they could not do anything, because there would be no proof that it was her. Of course!

The next thing I know, she is calling me at work. I flip out, when I figure out it is her. I told her to stay out of my house and out of our lives. I am DONE with the garbage. I get home from work and she has been in my house again! And, the best part is that I find a baby in Ponch's bedroom! I couldn't believe it! I had to wonder how long the poor thing had been there! It was a newborn. I thought it was a boy, from the way it was dressed. It was soaked in pee, so I changed it. Strangely, I bought my first bag of newborn diapers a few weeks ago, in real life, and in my dream it was right there, under my bed, so I pulled that out and changed the baby, only to find out it was a girl. Funny?! It was a sweet, tiny baby. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it, but I knew someone had to take care of it. All I could think is that I would not let it go, but I was also going to be having a baby before this one would be very old! UGH!

To the rescue...Like it was the way it was supposed to be, my mom showed up. (She died 3 years ago, in Sept.) She found something to feed the baby. She was playing with it, so I could get something done. I walked out of the room and could hear the baby giggling, at all of about 2 or 3 days old! She always said that when a new baby smiles it is because an angel is talking to them. Anyway, I called Bake's and Boog's mom and freaked out on her again! I was really ready to choke her, for dropping another child in my lap, since she has never had to be responsible for anyone and now I would be doing the 2 by 2 baby raising, yet again! She told me it was her dad's baby. (Her dad died when she was 4, or something like that.) I accepted the lie and let it go. I woke up wondering who I would have to go through to explain how I got this baby and what would happen to it, when I did call someone. (Isn't it funny how quickly we fall in love with something so small!)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Well, Now...

Well, now, I am no longer absent, but I am PISSED! I have had it! The justice system does NOT bring justice and I have had enough of it. Of course, it is not fair to just say that and walk away, although I would kind of like to, because the can of worms is a little larger than I care to deal with right now, but since my mind is on overload and I want to be able to sleep tonight, I should just say it, right?

The bio mom of the two kids we adopted has been in legal trouble, starting just a few weeks after getting out of prison, in the first place. She has gotten a DUI, driving without a license, a speeding ticket and something else, all in one night. After that, she got a domestic battery charge and a felony charge for theft, a few weeks after that.

Today was court. Court should have been a fair process, but she would have definitely gotten in serious trouble, because she is still on parole.

Anyway, I was able to look it up and she got probation and a hefty fine, for the DUI, but the felony just got pushed off and so did almost everything else! I don't understand! I really don't! How can you do thing after thing after BIG thing wrong and get almost nothing out of it?

Forgive me, but she runs around breaking the law, she didn't do what she needed to keep her kids and it is ALL driving me CRAZY!

I CAN NOT understand how some people can get by with doing NONE of what they are supposed to do.

Maybe I will sleep tonight and maybe I won't, but thanks for letting me freak out! You probably can't even make heads or tails of the crazed ramblings, but I feel a little better, I think!