Friday, May 21, 2010

She Was So Real

She was so real. I was hugging and holding her. I was crying on her shoulder and she on mine. We were embracing so tightly, I can still feel her now, even though my son burst through my bedroom door and woke me up. He had forgotten to have his dad sign a school paper that has to be turned in today. I almost started bawling, when he woke me up, because I get so little time with her, in dreams, these days and I can't stand the thought of losing one moment.

In my dream, we were at some sort of field trip and it was time to leave. I had sat in a seat behind her all the way there and not thought a thing of it, but on the way home, it really hit me. I knew she would be gone again. I saw her smoking, with all of my aunts, on my dad's side, and I blew up! I told her not to smoke, because I don't want cancer. And, then I said I can't believe she is here, because it has been so long. She just looked at me and I said, "I know. I can't believe this has happened to me, unless it is because I can go anywhere now." She was always pretty up tight about her weight and people in general, it seemed. She would get pretty bad, maybe you would call it, anxiety and she would talk herself out of going places. I inherited that from her. Anyway, I don't know if she was trying to tell me she is everywhere now, or not, but it kind of feels that way.

This dream may have been intended as a comfort, but MAN did it make me sad! My heart is heavy. My brain is spinning! I could feel her! I want her to be with me all the time. I want to feel her again! I miss my mom so much!

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