Unusual gloom and doom, or hormones running rampant? Who knows, but it is driving me nuts and upon the advice of a friend, I am going to try the out let of blogging more. I am sure it will help, but sometimes I don't feel like trying to explain things, because if you were to look inside my brain...jumbled mess!
Yesterday was my first REAL OB appointment, which means I had all the creep stuff checked! Looooove it! UGH! Beyond that, I like my new dr., whom I have only met once before. She is really NORMAL, so you don't feel like you are under a microscope, but she is also INTELLIGENT, so you end up feeling like you will be taken care of. Some drs. are too much for me.
She asked about concerns and as odd as it sounds, I was only concerned that this being my 5th actual pregnancy, I thought I would be bigger. I don't mean my fat places should be bigger...my actual lower abdomen should be bigger. I am still wearing regular clothes, which has NEVER happened past 10 weeks. I rationalize that jeans are cut lower than they used to be, mine are anyway. I rationalize that I don't eat red meat, or milk with hormones any more, which could have something to do with it, but I only made it to 10 weeks with my first...the 5th...
She checked for a uterus measurement and could not find one. She checked for a heartbeat and could not find one. She and I talked briefly and then she decided that I should have a sonogram...right now! I didn't panic externally. I did a little inside. It made me very sad and sick to think about carrying around someone who had ceased to exist, somewhere along the lines.
I had to drink a TON of water, or so it seemed! I had to be registered for the sonogram. And, then, I had to wait, until the lady was ready for me. A short wait feels like a long wait, sometimes. A few minutes later a familiar face walked in to get me! She was the lady who did my sonograms with my last child. Her husband is actually one of my son's football coaches! That made me feel a little better.
The X-Ray tech got me all set up and got started on the baby looking. She asked what I was doing there and I told her that the dr. checking to be sure it was still alive, pretty much. She confirmed. She started giggling! I didn't say much. She flipped the screen my way and I was able to see this little baby hopping all over the place! He/she was/is very much alive and all hopped up on something! Jeez!
I started to cry! I hate feeling like I have been slammed into saying I want something that I, for all possible reasons did not want. I feel like God slaps me around sometimes! Like he says, "do you, or don't you?" and I am forced to claim ownership of something I did not intend to own. Amazing!
I was so relieved.
I was so drained.
I had already walked myself through everything that would happen next, if the baby had not be alive. I was completely saddened at the mere thought of all of the feelings so many women face. Some even face these feelings often. I feel for all of them. I can't imagine, although now I have.
I went to be just after 7 last night. My husband did not understand why. He seemed aggravated with me. I could not stay awake any longer. Life is overwhelming sometimes. Being pregnant, stressed, having a million kids and a serious scare just wiped the floor with me!
Thanks for listening!