Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Life

Life is really getting overwhelming. I am not interested in much of anything, but I feel like I need something. No, I am not really depressed. I would tell you if I was. TRUST ME! I am stressed out though! I feel like I am getting lost in everything that is going on. I feel like I don't matter much and that is driving me nuts! I hate winter and I know it is coming...could be part of the problem. I love fall though, so I am trying not to let my dislike for the cold and short daylight hours eat up all that I love about fall! It isn't that easy though. I kinda feel like I am losing it, which is just awesome! I feel lonely. I miss my mom. I think all of these dumb hormones are pushing me closer to the edge! UGH! Like I need help getting to the edge! REALLY!?

Also, I have a brother in prison. I miss him. He is 5 hours south of me. I NEVER get to see him. We have a million kids and it is not easy to just up and leave for 12 hours, in one day. And, overnight is even less of an option. I wouldn't really want to be gone over night unless the kids could come with us anyway! Although, a St. Louis trip with just my husband and I would probably be priceless! Anyway, back to the brother...ready to choke him ! I write him. I am probably the only person who does, without fail, yet he is not writing back. I would love to know what makes him think I will take some excuse about how busy he is, as a reason why he can't write me back, when I have all these kids, in all these sports, with all the laundry, meals, showers, fingernail clipping, hair brushing, teeth brushing crap that goes with them...I am not listening to any crap about how busy he, or anyone else is! I KNOW what busy is! One letter a month would NOT be asking too much! REALLY!

And, I go to the dr. today. The dr. is in a nearby city. The city is where the mother of our two adopted kids lives. I don't want to run into her. I don't want reasons to have to avoid her. I just want to keep my distance. That will be rather tough to do, since she lives there and in an uptown apartment just down the block. This makes me kind of sick. I just want her to stay away. I want the kids to have a shot at growing up, without drama. Extra drama anyway! Our house has plenty of drama...KIDS, not me, of course! ha!

Sorry for venting. I can't keep all the dumb stuff tucked in any longer though. It is not my style. I should be writing, but the indifferent feelings have been keeping me from doing a lot of the me things that I do. I did, however, just write him a letter...my brother, so he knows I am tired of being pushed off. Don't worry, that was only in the first paragraph. I wrote nice "stuff" after that.

Thanks for listening.

Jamie

5 comments:

Marcia said...

:( let's go beat him up. then her.

Christina said...

Hugs, so sorry for all the stress. Blog more! It might help!

Cindy said...

Jamie--congrats on the new baby!! Just remember--nothing happens in God's world by mistake and He has special plans for you and this baby. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you have your sister there nearby, and your mom is there with you too even though you can't see her. I know you can feel her!! I don't say this lightly or as a cliche--I know she is there watching over you!!
Hugs--
Cindy

Upside Down said...

I'm sorry, I really am. Strange how when things seem to be going so smoothly then that's when you realize you were just at the tip of the top of the roller coaster. Then the plunge down is madness, and so scary.

Snot Head said...

I am sorry you haven't been feeling very important lately. I know it doesn't change much, but you mean the world to me. The WORLD! I wouldn't be the person I am today without all of your crazy influence on my life. I'm glad you blog. You talk a lot, but most of the things you say have very little to do with yourself and very much to do with what everyone else needs. Blogging is a good outsource for it, and don't let yourself feel to crazy. This baby is a totally different experience than you have ever had before. You are bound to be on the edge when you are experiencing pregnancy through totally different eyes than ever before.