Monday, August 24, 2009

Feeling Like...

You know, I have not been on here much lately, because I have been feeling a little out of sorts. My sister's wedding is coming soon, but just two short weeks after that it will have been 2 years since my mom died. That day is looming overhead like a hurricane just off shore! It is driving me crazy! I still see her face in my mind. I see that she is young and crazy (sometimes good crazy and sometimes bad crazy!) and full of life, but I am wrong and she is not. Well, I am hoping Heaven can handle every bit of her, but she is no longer full of the life that I identify with and it is really wrecking my brain. Sometimes I find myself shutting down, and others I am a total bitch! I don't know what to do or where to turn to get this to stop. I know that the days leading up to an "event" usually mess with my head much worse than the day itself, but still!

I thought maybe spilling my guts would make me feel a little better. Maybe it will.

Please let me be clear, I am not soliciting attention. I am far from suicidal. I am just sad and pissed and crazy and lonely and miss MY MOM!

Good day.

9 comments:

Christina said...

I often wonder if my blog post will make people feel like I'm asking for attention too..but who cares. Blogging helps. I'm sorry about your Mom. Really sorry.

Deb said...

Saying it out loud often helps. good on you for being brave enough to say how you feel. Hang in there xxx

Snot Head said...

I agree with Christina. You have no reason to have to explain yourself to people. We blog because we need to. We blog to connect with others that are hurting like ourselves. We blog to keep our sanity. People have a choice when reading our blog. They can choose to look away if they don't like what we're saying. In most cases it comes from ignorance, and no one has any right to judge you. I really, truthfully think the only way you can get past this overwhelming sadness is to purge it. Talk about it as much as you can. Do not ever hold anything back when with me. Just because my wedding is coming up doesn't mean I don't want to hear about mom. You blog and talk about it until you are blue in the face. Who knows how many other people will find comfort in the fact that you too are hurting and maybe they will feel a little support even in knowing that you are affected in similar ways. The only way that I am able to not be a complete basket case missing mom is by talking about her lots, thinking about her lots, crying the moment it hits me no matter where I am, and sharing her story with others. It is in those moments that I feel closest to her. Cry out to God. Tell Him how sad you are. Tell Him how upset you are that she is not here in your life right now. Ask Him for some comfort.

I was honestly worried about having the wedding in September for this reason. I want people, my family especially to be able to celebrate and feel happy because I know Mom's presence will be there, I know she will be there, but I am afraid that it is not as easy as it sounds. I know that I have been more focused on her death anniversary than my wedding. Its hard to say, "Yes, I'm excited." or "I can't wait to do...(fill in the blank with some sort of wedding activity)." because my main focus is really on Mom and how wrong it is that she isn't walking me down the aisle. That was always my plan...

Anyway, I hope you can find some comfort soon. I know things have been tense lately. I withdraw when I feel inadequate, and I have felt that way with you lately, knowing I cannot take your pain away. I miss you loads! I miss having you happy, but I know it is just low on the rollercoaster ride that we all have to go through.

Remember what I said about cycles of sadness and how ours are never the same? Well maybe you are having yours early so that on my wedding day when I am a mess, you can be my rock. I don't deserve it because I haven't been a rock for you, but its just an idea. Who knows?

I love you, sorry this comment is three pages long!

outspoken85 said...

just let her presence fill the area around you and embrace it....let the tears flow and feel everything in your heart because there is no reason to be tough.... dont hide anything because if you do pieces slip through your fingers like the sands of time....whenever you need a moment to reflect on a memory....take it, savor it, and hold it close to your heart because your mom was special.......you and your sister are amazing for moving forward in life but never forgeting whats important......i got to see a lil bit of her crazy side and hear some funny stories from her....but everything else i have just pieced together by watching her kids.............and i cant wait to be part of the family... everybody is different but when it comes to families we got the best

never forget good or bad, and cheese fixes everything ooooo it is so good



outspoken85

tattooedmommy said...

I am so sorry for your loss! This is an especially hard time on anyone's sanity combine that with a wedding and you have every right to be off your mark. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, take care of YOU first. (I know, I know, I hear you:)) Remember your mom is watching and is with you always even if you can't hold her and touch her. Listen and feel and she will be there.

Brenda said...

You precious, sweet woman. Just try to remember all of those great times and know she is with our Lord.

Christina said...

Hey, just wanted to say thank you for stopping by..I didn't realize we lived close! (and no, its not "stalkerish" LMAO!! ;)

randi said...

Good for you for spilling a little bit of it out here! I will keep you in my prayers!

kekee73 said...

If you feel like you can't keep going let me know and I will give you a piggy back ride at least a couple more inches. Its very well cushioned. Hugs and kisses! Love you:)