Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Enough is Enough!

This is me. This is raw, so you have been warned. I don't plan on being nice or holding back. I am on the edge now and I am not doing this any more!

I am pissed! I am so pissed! I am so damned tired of dealing with cancer. I can't f'ing stand it any more! I am tired of waking up and wondering which relative will die next! I am not exaggerating! I am so damned serious! I have lost my mom, her brother, my dad's brother and now his sister is dying as well, all to cancer. Not to mention, my paternal grandma and two of my great uncles, all to cancer. It f@#king sucks! My grandma has had cancer. My great aunt had cancer. Two of my grandma's brothers have cancer right now, if I understand everything right!

I am so tired of thinking about overactive cells. Why can't they just do what the hell they are supposed to and divide normally? Who invited this shit? Why my family? Why any family? I mean, really? Where are the treatments that work? Where are the answers? Who is in charge of this shit? Where can I get in touch with that person?

NO, I don't blame God. I don't and I won't! I know that we go through many things in life that are not happy or wonderful or great, but WTF? Really? All of us have battles. All of us have scars, but why so many? Why so much? Why me doesn't cross my mind, but why anyone? I have had it! I am tired of trying to make sense! I am tired of trying to reason! I want my mom and no one can make that happen! I am tired of it! I am done!

You know, the other day, my 10 year old daughter asked me if I thought I would ever get cancer. I looked at her and said, "you want to know what I really think?" She did want to know, so I told her, "I really don't think I will get cancer." I also told her that if I thought it would keep my kids from getting cancer I would gladly give my life in exchange. I don't ever want one of my kids to "get back a bad test result," or "find a lump!" I can't take the way the thought of one of them getting sick makes me feel! I also told her that if I don't get cancer, their risk might be lower. I also hate that my kids have the cancer monkey on their backs already. They don't know so much of the pain, but they do know that it upsets me. They know that anyone can get it and in our family it is more like almost everyone. Bullshit! Bullshit!

My family does not deserve such desperate sadness! The despair does not overtake me, but it has been getting pretty thick lately. I am swallowing back sadness too often lately. Since December 09 I have lost an uncle on both sides and now my aunt is on her death bed, quite literally.

I am done. I have had it. The war still rages. My heart is broken. My mind is spent. My fury is worse than hell! I am done! Game over! FUCK YOU CANCER!


Marcia said...

we need chai. and lots of it. and if that doesn't work - lets move to florida and stick our heads in the sand right along with those flamingos. no, cancer isn't so much in my family (one g-pa had it, but he had also been a smoker) but i'll go with you, sister. for support.

The Tattooed Mommy said...

I am with you all the way! My grandma has had breast cancer twice, my favorite aunt died at the beginning of February from pancreatic, we lost my bestie's dad last April to esophageal, I've lost track(not really but I'd like to) of all the cancers in our family tree. I feel for you as you've had it hit much closer than I. ((((BIG HUG))))

Snot Head said...

I can't help but sit here and cry. I am so tired...so, so tired. That may have something to do with working 9 hours straight, but I have been tired for a few weeks now...depressed for a few weeks now. I am so sad. My brain blocks things out until it thinks I can deal with them, and your news today, both things, just have me feeling like I'm in a hole.

I just can't imagine. I can't wrap my head around. I can't breath, and I'm just going to cry for now. I hate that for the rest of my entire life, every time someone dies, it will remind me of Mom. I hate that whole "cancer monkey" thought, too. I hate it all, and I hate that some people bring it on themselves while others seem perfectly fine and still get it. I wish I could help you feel better, and I can't. I wish I could help our siblings feel better, and I can't.

I hate that all there is to do is sit and cry, dust your shoulders off, and wait for it to happen again. I hate that it interrupts our lives and consumes us.

I'd say I'm done, too, but we both know that's not true. Sucks...

Trece said...

I can't say that I have never lost anyone, but neither can I claim to come close to the should-be debilitating pain you have had heaped on you. What I can offer is my perspective and my support should you ever need it...:

Today we spoke and you told me likely only a fraction of what you feel. Within you're statement was something along the lines of "It may seem selfish of me, but..." This is where my perspective comes in. I have only had the pleasure of knowing you a very brief time but I'm impressed. You actually think you are "selfish"... that you have "weak" moments and from where I'm sitting- that couldn't be further from the truth. Strength isn't the ability to hide your pain and it isn't selfish to know your limits. I see you from time to time with this shadow of loss swirling around your ankles yet you are still standing. I can easily say that I've just never run across anyone as caring as you, as positive, as selfless or as strong.

My perspective is just my own, and I am no-one special but I do know that I can see clearly.

I have a friend who runs the Relay-for-life team at the bank. She wants me to start a team from that area. If this is something that interests you, that makes you feel like you are doing something physical to fight this disease, let me know and we can do it together in your family's name. It's not much, I know- and if it's not something you feel that will help- don't feel obligated...it's for people in your situation to choose or not too.

reanbean said...

I am so sorry to hear how much heartbreak you've had to endure. Thinking of you...

Momma B said...

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, support, love and PERSPECTIVE! I love having a place where I can let it all go and know that no one is judging me! I appreciate you all, more than you may understand! Thanks!

Cassie said...

Thinking of you... (((HUGS))))

debi9kids said...

OMGoodness! I am so very sorry for all of your loss to this horrible, horrible disease.
I too dispise it. It took my friend's 2 year old twin daughter from her last January. And two other dear friends of mine have small children battling the same horrible form of cancer (Neuroblastoma).
To say i hate it is an understatement.
I too have lost many other family members and friends and it just plain old sucks.
It's why I do fundraisers all the time. It HAS to be stopped.