This is me. This is raw, so you have been warned. I don't plan on being nice or holding back. I am on the edge now and I am not doing this any more!
I am pissed! I am so pissed! I am so damned tired of dealing with cancer. I can't f'ing stand it any more! I am tired of waking up and wondering which relative will die next! I am not exaggerating! I am so damned serious! I have lost my mom, her brother, my dad's brother and now his sister is dying as well, all to cancer. Not to mention, my paternal grandma and two of my great uncles, all to cancer. It f@#king sucks! My grandma has had cancer. My great aunt had cancer. Two of my grandma's brothers have cancer right now, if I understand everything right!
I am so tired of thinking about overactive cells. Why can't they just do what the hell they are supposed to and divide normally? Who invited this shit? Why my family? Why any family? I mean, really? Where are the treatments that work? Where are the answers? Who is in charge of this shit? Where can I get in touch with that person?
NO, I don't blame God. I don't and I won't! I know that we go through many things in life that are not happy or wonderful or great, but WTF? Really? All of us have battles. All of us have scars, but why so many? Why so much? Why me doesn't cross my mind, but why anyone? I have had it! I am tired of trying to make sense! I am tired of trying to reason! I want my mom and no one can make that happen! I am tired of it! I am done!
You know, the other day, my 10 year old daughter asked me if I thought I would ever get cancer. I looked at her and said, "you want to know what I really think?" She did want to know, so I told her, "I really don't think I will get cancer." I also told her that if I thought it would keep my kids from getting cancer I would gladly give my life in exchange. I don't ever want one of my kids to "get back a bad test result," or "find a lump!" I can't take the way the thought of one of them getting sick makes me feel! I also told her that if I don't get cancer, their risk might be lower. I also hate that my kids have the cancer monkey on their backs already. They don't know so much of the pain, but they do know that it upsets me. They know that anyone can get it and in our family it is more like almost everyone. Bullshit! Bullshit!
My family does not deserve such desperate sadness! The despair does not overtake me, but it has been getting pretty thick lately. I am swallowing back sadness too often lately. Since December 09 I have lost an uncle on both sides and now my aunt is on her death bed, quite literally.
I am done. I have had it. The war still rages. My heart is broken. My mind is spent. My fury is worse than hell! I am done! Game over! FUCK YOU CANCER!