Monday, November 16, 2009

Hmmm?

You know, I have been absent again lately. I have struggled to figure out why. I am pretty sure I have figured it out, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

I know that I talk about losing my mom, a lot, and I sometimes think others would probably like for me to just "get over it," but I don't think that will ever really come to be. I miss her. I can't change that. I don't want to. I loved and still love her SO MUCH! I want to feel her presence. I want to hug her tight, even though that is not something we were big on, when she was here. I want to give her a big goofy kiss, so she knows I love her. I really want all of those things. I know that I can't have them, but I desperately want them to be possible! I miss her so much!

I have been fighting with feelings for so long that I started getting confused about what exactly was/is causing the pain. I have recently started dreaming about others who have passed and I think that it is my mind's way of recognizing that any one and everyone does and will die. I can not stop it. I would not, even if I could, because I know God has a plan, even when I don't understand it. Still, I miss her. As I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes, I think we should all love a little deeper, while we can, because WE, you, me, they, he, she and even the it set does not know when we will no longer have the opportunity to love and that is hard to swallow!

Thanksgiving will soon be here. What are we thankful for?

Me, I am thankful for having a completely insane, super strong, sometimes grouchy, always smiling, (unless you broke something you shouldn't have) crazy hermit lady who worked from home, coffee drinking, dishes hating, fun-loving, wonderful person raise me!

3 comments:

Brenda said...

I can say I don't know how you feel. I still have my Mom and feel so lucky. I know God does have a plan for us all. I am so thankful for Jesus, Mom and Dad and both my in-laws, my 2 kids, 3 grandchildren, my sister, my brothers, my church. Wow I could be here all night. God bless you.

Snot Head said...

I was choking back my own tears through all of this. That last paragraph pushed them over the brim, though. You described her exactly as I remember her...especially the always smiling. Man would I give anything to see that smile and feel that warm look in her eyes!

I wish more than anything in all of this mess I am dealing with that it was my own mommy I had a chance to move in with...I know it seems ridiculous and selfish, but I feel like I want to push off not having our appartment for as long as possible because as much as I love her, my MIL will never be mine. And you are right, this really does suck!

Marcia said...

after a death life doesn't go back to normal. we find a new normal. you don't get over a loss, you learn to live with it. love ya, girl!