My Birthday...

I am really not trying to overdo the fact that my birthday was Saturday. I usually don't even tell people until it has past, because it is easier that way. With the invention of FaceBook, I was unable to avoid telling anyone, because it told them for me. Anyway...

I started the day off with my sister and two friends. We went to a few yarn shops and then we went to a "green store" and then we were off to eat lunch. I have recently dropped meat, almost completely (again, that is a whole other story), so my friend, K, decided that we should find some place that would "cater" to my eating habits. Finally, after that did not seem to be so easy to do, I told her I could eat anywhere. I would just find something and make it work, because almost every place has salad and salad and I are friends, so it is relatively easy for me. Anyway, we decided on a place named KoFusion, because we were STARVING, or atleast I was, and it was close!

KoFusion was a really interesting place. When we walked in, there were blue lights throughout, mood lighting if you will. It had fish tanks with color changing lights accenting each tank. It offered a small variety of Asian foods. I do NOT like fish and I was NOT going to eat any that day either! GUH ROSS! But, there was vegetarian stir fry, so I decided to order that. Everyone else ordered fishy, creepy foods to try. Adventurous girls, to say the least! I quickly found out that my sister and M were both willing to eat my mushrooms, so I started unloading them like a 4 year old, onto anything but my plate! UGH! We enjoyed our meal and decided that there was nothing more for us at KoFusion.

After leaving KoFusion, we headed off in search of a little dessert. Afterall, calories don't count on birthdays! It is a known fact! We hit a nearby bakery. There was an assortment of treasures there! I was looking for fruit smoothies, but apparently they are not quite in season yet. Funny, my household has been drinking them for a week now. I did not argue, I graciously ordered a mint chocolate chip gelato instead. Man, that stuff was good! My sister and friends ordered something too and we quickly made our exit.

We decided to head home, until an art show caught the eye of K. She asked if we wanted to go. I was a little reluctant, because I knew my husband was up to something, but was not sure what and I knew it involved grandma, who won't travel after dark, so I was a little worried we would be there too long, but after talking to him, I let my desire to see the art overtake my worries, in an emotional decision. It paid off, I guess, because it was very interesting to view all of the different art on display. The art show was called, something like, Artists Against Aids, I believe. There were many different items on display. Most were awe inspiring and wonderful. Some made a girl wanna say, "hmmm?"

When we left the art show, we headed for home. We had to drop M back off at her car and then we went to pick grandma up, before heading home. Grandma made me come in and get the birthday cake she had baked for me. That would have been wonderful and sweet, but somehow I managed to get chocolate frosting all over my shirt! Leave it to me!

I forgot to mention just how stressed I had been all day, because I knew my husband had spent WAAAAY too much money on my birthday. I was really worried that I was going to have to kill him! I was really, really worried about it! Alllllll daaaaaay loooong, I was worried!

We got to my house. K dropped my sister and I off and went back to get her youngest daughter, so they could come back to the house for the simple celebration my husband had planned. We waited until K and R got back and then we did the cake and presents thing. All the while, I warned my husband that he would be dead...dead....dead! I really meant that, until I saw what my gift was. I was blindsided in the best way possible.

I have had rolls and rolls of undeveloped film for years, more than 10 years to be honest, and he knew how much it had bothered me knowing that pictures of mom were on there. I was always worried that she would be lost, because the film would be too old, or something like that. I knew she was on them. I miss her so much and her life was on those rolls. It was literally heartbreaking, but we just had many other needs that film developing, so I left them in my closet. He snatched them up one day last week and went on a mission to get them all developed. There was no place that developed in any less than a week, so finally, Friday afternoon he took them to Walgreens and did the 1-hour developing, which turned into overnight, because there were so many of them. You all know how much 1 hour anything costs, but it really, really made my day! I was in tears for a few minutes and sobbing for few more and then we all sat down and went through all of the pictures we had been missing.

I told him that night that something as simple as film developing is probably the best gift I have EVER had!

I really enjoyed that day!

Thanks, Scott! I know you will be sneaking on here and you will see this before too long! I really means the world to me!

Today

Today is my birthday. It is no big production. It never has been, nor has it needed to be. Today I am going to run off with friends for a while and enjoy a day with only those taller than 5'. That alone is a comforting thought.

Today I woke up feeling ok, although my first thought, as it probably always will be for the rest of my life, was that my mom won't be here to share it with me. I wasn't really freaked out waking up that way, but I had the fleeting thought, so now, there it is, tucked into my brain for the day and probably many of the coming days. I guess birthdays, holidays and many other significant days will always be bitter sweet for some reason or other.

Today we will be celebrating in some small way, when I come home from spending the day out with my friends. We are going to grandma's to eat the FABulous chocolate cake that she sent me a phone pic of! Yep, my 76 year old grandma is a mad-texting granny, to say the least! She sent me a really up close pic of chocolate frosting yesterday, saying that was my cake and that I had to come get it! ha! What a great way to lure in house guests! So, that is on the agenda, EAT CAKE!

We will be "completing this day" with frozen pizzas and salads! I will tell you more later as to why the frozen pizzas are such a big deal, but for now, I must jump in the shower, or I am going nowhere today!

I hope you all have a great day too!

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention the best part of my day! Waking up to two restless dogs with a creepy pile of vomit in the cage they sleep in had to be the BEST part of my day, hands down! Oh well, I guess that means the rest of the day really will be cake!

Some Days...

Some days, my kids follow me around like this!

Some days, I watch over them like this!

Some days, my brain feels like this!

Some days, I look like this!

Some days, I feel like this! (this fish is still alive, do not be alarmed! ha!)

Crowded Bathroom And I Don't Mean Public!

Ah, as usual, I had the two littlest kids in the bathroom today. Meeeema and Boog. Both of them are a little too interested in what I do, while in the shower, so keep that in mind as you take a look into my world, please!

First off, I nearly had to drag Meeeema into the bathroom, as she shouted out the proclamation, "I not tating a towa!" I peeled her clothes off quickly and tossed her into the newly turned on shower water, while I gathered the items that are needed to complete a full blown carwash, I mean showering, experience in my house! To which she said in a startled shriek, "Da wata ids too cowld!" about a billion times! Finally, she conceded to stand there, I guess that means the water temp. regulated, as it always does. She seemed content splashing around in the shower water.

Quickly, I slipped off my pajamas and jumped in too. I got in front of her and since my presence very nearly blocks out the sun, she was pretty sure that she would surely die, before the water could reach her again! I quickly went through the motions of washing my hair, twice, and washing up too. I ended my time in the water by putting conditioner in my tangled mess of hair and turned the shower water back over to her. I washed her up too and left her to rinse.

While I shaved my stubble-covered legs, Meeeema enjoyed having all of the water to herself, again. She was shocked, as was Boog who sat patiently outside the shower, when I suddenly yowled in pain! I had nicked my ankle. "What wrong, mommy?" she squeaked. "Oh, nothing, I cut myself," I said, still frustrated by the burning sensation. I went to on tell them that is why they are NEVER to touch my razors, because it is easy to get cut, unless you know what you are doing, apparently I am not in the know! Right about the time that I thought I had gotten through to both of the, by way of mortification, Boog said, "Ya, I'b not donna have razas until I'b in pirst drade! When I'b in pirst drade, I will be a bid durl!" "Oh, no, no, no, I retorted! Not a chance! You will not have razors in first grade, so don't even think it!" I wanted to laugh, but I knew that would only encourage her!

Pray for me!

Jamie

Feeling very hollow,

Feeling very light,

Feeling like less and less of me, is anywhere in sight.

Feeling like I wonder,

Feeling like I'm under,

All these things I think I feel, somewhere in my mind.

Then again, are these the things that are eating me alive,

Or is there something, something else that I must try to find?

Something lurking in the depths, and cobwebs, of my soul?

A thing so strong and unobscured by the thoughts that I control?

And, yet, I dig down deep inside,

Ignoring all the rest,

Of the thoughts stored in my mind,

For I think that it is best.

Feeling Lonely

Do you ever recognize the exact moment that the sadness washes over you? Well, my husband and I were out for a walk, with the two youngest, tonight and I was talking about all of the "old times" type things that I miss. I said I miss the old school building that has since been torn down. As we walked up to the old school playground, I could remember running for track practice, around that block. It really put me on the spot and took me right back to that time.

I instantly found myself sharing my feelings with my husband. He agreed that he missed the school and the coach who coached us in track. As we walked a little farther, I said I missed some other things from that time frame, probably because life was so much simpler then. He agreed with that too. He said something about wishing the kids would realize that life is so simple, when you are a kid.

Less than a block from home, I said that I had my mom then too. Why does she have to be gone? Why can't she still be here? It hit me and, at that very moment, I suddenly felt a wave of sadness so deep that I am not sure I can shake it. I just feel sad and lonely. I feel like I am missing something. To be clear, I am not slumped over in a pile of indifference, I am merely trapped in the middle of a feeling that I can not release. I miss her very much. My brain has a hard time believing it sometimes. I believe it today. I wish I could shut my brain off and pretend it was not so, but alas, it is.

I am sad.