Do you ever recognize the exact moment that the sadness washes over you? Well, my husband and I were out for a walk, with the two youngest, tonight and I was talking about all of the "old times" type things that I miss. I said I miss the old school building that has since been torn down. As we walked up to the old school playground, I could remember running for track practice, around that block. It really put me on the spot and took me right back to that time.
I instantly found myself sharing my feelings with my husband. He agreed that he missed the school and the coach who coached us in track. As we walked a little farther, I said I missed some other things from that time frame, probably because life was so much simpler then. He agreed with that too. He said something about wishing the kids would realize that life is so simple, when you are a kid.
Less than a block from home, I said that I had my mom then too. Why does she have to be gone? Why can't she still be here? It hit me and, at that very moment, I suddenly felt a wave of sadness so deep that I am not sure I can shake it. I just feel sad and lonely. I feel like I am missing something. To be clear, I am not slumped over in a pile of indifference, I am merely trapped in the middle of a feeling that I can not release. I miss her very much. My brain has a hard time believing it sometimes. I believe it today. I wish I could shut my brain off and pretend it was not so, but alas, it is.
I am sad.